Boundaries: Your Body Already knows!
Boundaries are often spoken of in terms of relationships—where one person ends and another begins. But boundaries are not just mental constructs or emotional preferences; they live in the body. They are felt in the tightening of muscles, the expansion of breath, the pull of instinct, and the subtle knowing that tells us when something feels right—or when it doesn’t.
In many ways, our first boundary is the skin, the physical edge between our inner world and the outside environment. But beyond the skin, there are invisible yet tangible boundaries: the space we take up, the energy we extend, the way we let others come close—or hold them at a distance. Our body is constantly communicating where these boundaries are, whether we are aware of them or not.
But what happens when we don’t listen?
The Body Remembers
Most of us have had moments where we ignored our body’s signals—stayed in a space too long, said "yes" when we meant "no," or shrank away when we longed to take up more space. These choices may seem small, but over time, they shape the way we inhabit ourselves. Unfelt ‘no’s’ can become chronic tension in the jaw, shoulders, or belly. Overextended ‘yes’s’ can lead to exhaustion, a nervous system always slightly on edge.
Our boundaries are not just about saying no, but also about recognizing what feels safe, nourishing, and true.
Boundaries are fluid. Sometimes we need more space, and other times we long to be closer. Our nervous system is constantly adjusting, responding to our surroundings, shaping the way we interact with others and ourselves. The more we listen, the more we can move from reacting to responding—from bracing against life to moving with it.
Boundaries Live in the Body
We cannot simply think our way into strong boundaries. True boundary-setting is not a mental construct—it is felt in the body. Boundaries come from within, anchored in our muscles, posture, and physical presence.
Our musculature is directly linked to our psychological boundaries. The ability to hold space for ourselves starts in the body, particularly in the muscles that define our structure—our arms, legs, core, and breath.
When we attempt to set boundaries from a purely mental space, they can feel rigid, brittle, or uncertain. They may manifest as walls that isolate us or as porous barriers that fail to protect us.
Our first boundary is our skin, the external limit of our physical self. But the deeper boundaries—those that define our sense of self-worth, autonomy, and space—depend on our ability to feel our inner center and claim our personal space.
When we are disconnected from our bodies, our boundaries become fragile, easily overstepped by others or collapsed under external pressure.
A natural, embodied boundary is not a rigid wall—it is a dynamic, living space that adjusts with awareness and self-respect. When we are in contact with ourselves, we naturally hold our personal space.
What Don´t you say Yes to?
When we think of boundaries, we often think of what we need to say no to—situations, relationships, or demands that drain us. But sometimes, the most revealing question is not what we reject, but what we silently do not say yes to.
What do we keep at a distance, even when part of us longs for it?
For some, it’s intimacy. For others, it’s rest. Or love. Or success.
And for many of us, it’s joy, creativity, and connection.
The Invisible No
Unlike the firm ‘no’ that we voice out loud, the quiet ‘no’—the one we don’t even realize we’re saying—lives in the body. It hides in the subtle tension that arises when something good is within reach. It shows up in hesitation, in the breath held just a little too long, in the moment we retreat when we could lean in.
Joy—the warmth of laughter, the ease of letting go—can feel unsafe when we’ve spent years bracing against disappointment. If we learned that happiness is fleeting, or that expressing too much delight draws unwanted attention, we might instinctively dampen our own light.
Creativity—that wild, flowing force—can feel too chaotic, too unpredictable, too vulnerable. If we were ever told that our ideas weren’t good enough, or that we should ‘be realistic,’ we might stop ourselves before we even begin.
Social Connection—the simple act of reaching out—can feel risky if we’ve been met with rejection before. If we’ve internalized the belief that we are ‘too much’ or ‘not enough,’ we might choose solitude, even when part of us longs to be seen.
This is how boundaries, instead of protecting us, can sometimes keep us from what we need the most.
The Felt Sense of Boundaries
Boundaries are not just decisions we make with our minds; they are felt experiences. The concept of felt sense, introduced in somatic psychotherapy, teaches us that our bodies hold deep wisdom about what feels safe and what does not.
A clear yes: Lightness, openness in the chest, a sense of ease.
A clear no: Tightness, contraction, a pull away from something.
A maybe: Confusion, mixed signals in the body, shifting tension.
When we begin to notice these subtle cues, we can use them as guides. Instead of forcing ourselves into decisions, we can let our body lead us toward what feels right.
A Gentle Invitation
If we want to move toward joy, creativity, and connection, we don’t force it. We don’t demand that our bodies suddenly open.
We listen.
We notice where we say no, not with judgment, but with curiosity.
We ask ourselves, “What would it feel like to allow just a little more?”
Not everything needs to be a leap. Sometimes, the softest yes—the permission to feel a moment of joy, to write a single word, to reach out to just one person—is enough to shift something deep inside.
And slowly, what was once a quiet no can become a quiet, steady yes.
I hope this gave a little something to reflect on. :-)